matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
