laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Randomize
