Betty ford says i'm here all night
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
