It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
