I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
