i was rollin on her like bob the builder
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
