The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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