so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
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