I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Randomize
