capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
i black out too much to be "responsible"
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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