Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
