I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
