Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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