She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
