what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
