Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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