I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
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