just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
