If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
