Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
