Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
