Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
