there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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