I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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