I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
