Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
