If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
