FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
