My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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