I think I won the penis lottery.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
