Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Randomize
