This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
How external is "for external use only"?
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
