it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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