Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
