She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
