Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Randomize
