i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
