btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
We got so high we made milksteak
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
