you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
