Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
