He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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