is your mom at the bar?
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
