1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
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