He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I'm too high and old for this...
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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