From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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