remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I wish there were birth control emojis
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
