I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
