i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
