She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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