I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Randomize
