I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
