guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
My penis needs a shock collar
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
